one word: firstdatebathroomanal
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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