there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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