The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I need to stop coming to work sober
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Randomize
