Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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