Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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