Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
