Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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