Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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