if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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