doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize