Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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