He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
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woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
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You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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