I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
