I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
