i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
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Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
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he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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