i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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