Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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