There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
