Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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