I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize