I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
