When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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