There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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