Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
