I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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