Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
