dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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