dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
