I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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