I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Even the bartender felt bad for me
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So much rum. So many feels.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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