Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
