Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
