if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
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