How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
