Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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