why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
