the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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