lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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