My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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