Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
