Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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