My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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