Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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