I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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