I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Operation Purity has been aborted
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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