I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
