This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
