I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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