I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize