I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
