I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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