You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
FUCK WHALES
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
