Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
