i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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