Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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